What a mess

I think that my marriage is over. Not only am I living a double life, he cannot come home.  My husband works many many late hours.  He works 60-70 hours a week and he is a salaried worker.  He feels some kind of loyalty to his job and fears being out of work.  He was unemployed for a year about 10 years ago and he never forgets it.

I have been sick for over a month.  Last night my doctor finally had me go to the emergency room for further tests.  He came home and took the kids after I begged him to come home.  I had to make sure they had dinner made before I could get help.   When I came home he did not ask how I was.  He woke up and went to work like normal and left me scrambling to find friends to help with the kids because he had to work. He has plenty of time off coming to him but he chooses not to take it.  After work he had a happy hour with co-workers planned.  He called to make sure I didn’t need to go to the hospital again or anything and off he went.  He has had no compassion for me at all through this except,” you have to rest”. Hello ASSHOLE how can I rest when you are never around.  When he is around he just yells at the kids all evening. He then stays up till 2am playing video games and then spends the next morning cranky and yelling at the kids again. I am tired of this life.

I am dreaming of going back to work at a real job.  I am dreaming of a little apartment in a good school district for me and my kids.  A place that is safe without the anger of an overtired middle aged teenager who collects gadgets.  I dream of something for me.  I dream of a boyfriend or a girlfriend who wants to give me some attention, have sex, have a conversation.   I dream of being able to parent my way without hearing what a horrible parent I am because I don’t continually punish for every infraction and I pick my battles.

The best thing about turning that trick is that I felt more empowered than I have in a long time.